Trauma. I was severely, physically and psychologically abused throughout my childhood and up until I was 20. Family, friends, significant others, etc. It's all I've known to the point that at some point, my brain started to view feeling fear as a positive thing. I relate pain to love to an unhealthy degree, which is bad for my OLD (Obsessive Love Disorder) as well. Because of this, I'm also an abuse addict and need to use coping mechanisms to avoid going back to abusive partners/friends. I also have to catch myself to avoid manipulating others. It's something I live with everyday and is more prominent than most of my other issues.
I use fictional media to cope. Usually, this involves the genre of dark romance. I take relief in viewing myself as the victim in those stories. It makes me feel more in control of my trauma. I have talked about this with my therapists over the years, and they all agreed it was okay for me to do. At some point, it helped me enough to the point where I can now write fluff without feeling disgusted by the fact that it's something I've never experienced in life before, and my love for dark romance has shifted over to also being about general fascination with the psychology behind it all.